How to Build a Good Relationship with In-Laws: The Unconscious and the New Family

 For many couples, dealing with in-laws is an unexpected challenge. Comments, unsolicited advice, or even expressions of longing can create tension. But beneath these situations lies an unconscious factor: the transition from one’s family of origin to the creation of a new family. Understanding this process is essential to prevent tensions with in-laws from becoming marital problems.

🌌 The Unconscious and In-Law Relationships

• Primary bonds: The unconscious holds deep ties to parents. When a child marries, parents may unconsciously feel they are “losing” their place.

• Unconscious guilt: A spouse may feel guilty for “taking” their partner away from their parents. Natasha shared: “My mother-in-law always says she misses her son, and it makes me feel guilty for marrying him.”

• Unconscious competition: A husband or wife may feel they are competing with in-laws for attention or priority.

🔄 The Impact on Marriage

• Conflicts of loyalty: A spouse feels torn between pleasing parents and pleasing their partner.

• Emotional interference: Advice or criticism from in-laws can create resentment. James explained: “My wife shared our struggles with her parents, and my father-in-law called to give me advice. I didn’t like that at all.”

• Fragile unity: Without clear priorities, the unconscious may place parents above the marriage.

🌱 What You Can Do

• Resolve as a team: If disagreements arise about in-laws, talk with your spouse and seek peace together.

  • Biblical principle: “Seek peace and pursue it.” — Psalm 34:14.

• Set priorities: Marriage is the new family.

  • Biblical principle: “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.” — Matthew 19:5.

• Establish reasonable boundaries: Decide together how much parents should be involved.

  • Biblical principle: “Let your reasonableness be known.” — Philippians 4:5.

• Show respect and gratitude: Remember, they raised your spouse with care.

  • Biblical principle: “Let each one seek not his own advantage, but that of the other.” — 1 Corinthians 10:24.

🧩 The Role of Unconscious Therapy

Therapy helps couples:

• Identify hidden guilt: Recognize unconscious feelings of “stealing” or “losing” in relation to in-laws.

• Heal family patterns: Address experiences of controlling or absent families.

• Reprogram priorities: Teach the unconscious to place marriage above external pressures.

• Strengthen solidarity: Build a sense of unity that resists interference.

💬 Real-Life Voices

• James: “Having in-laws is not like having friends you chose. They are family whether you like it or not. I had to learn to deal with that maturely.”

• Natasha: “My mother-in-law’s longing made me feel guilty. But I realized I didn’t steal her son — we simply built a new family.”

• Jessica: “It’s important to focus on in-laws’ qualities. They raised my husband with love. When I imitate their good qualities, I become more balanced.”

• A young couple: The husband shared: “My wife always prioritized her parents. After marriage, my mother-in-law realized I came first, and that was hard for her. But with dialogue, we managed to adjust.”

💬 Reflection Guide for Couples

• Have I ever felt my spouse prioritizes their parents over me?

• Do I share our problems with in-laws before discussing them with my partner?

• Have we set clear, respectful boundaries with in-laws?

• How can I show gratitude for their qualities without letting them interfere in our marriage?

📢

A good relationship with in-laws is not just about coexistence — it is an unconscious transformation that strengthens the new family. Want to learn how to reprogram your priorities and build harmony between marriage and family of origin? Read the full article on my blog — [“Diálogos da Mente – Centro de Ajuda Terapêutica e Neuropsicociência |].